The Marx Brothers

Cocoanuts

A love scene

Hammer (Groucho):

Did anyone ever tell you that you look like the Prince of Wales?

Mrs. Potter:

???

Hammer:

I don't mean the present Prince of Wales; one of the old Wales, and believe me when I say Wales, I mean Wales. I know a whale when I see one.

...

Did you say your room is three eighteen? You know I am the proprietor of this hotel and I have a passkey for every room in it.

Mrs. Potter:

Passkey?

Hammer:

Passkey---that's Russian for pass---you know they passkey down the streetskey. ...

...

Aw, if we could find a little bungalow---eh? Oh, of course, I know where we could find one, but maybe the people wouldn't get out. But if we could find a nice little empty bungalow just for me and you, where we could bill and cow, no I meant we could bull and cow.

Mrs. Potter:

Do you know what you are trying to say?

Hammer:

Yes, it is not what I'm thinking of. What I meant was, if we had a nice little bungalow and you was on the inside and I was on the outside trying to get in and me inside trying to get out or, no you're inside out and I was upside---I'll tell you, if you don't hear from me by next Friday, the whole thing's off!

Mrs. Potter:

I don't think I understand.

Hammer:

I mean---your eyes---your eyes, they shine like the pants of a blue serge suit.

Mrs. Potter:

What? The very idea. That's an insult.

Hammer:

That's not a reflection on you---it's on the pants.
What I meant was if we had a nice bungalow and I came home from work---and you standing by the gate---no---you'd come home from work---and I was standing by the gate, and we came down the path and we went inside and the shades were drawn and the lights were low, and then---are you sure your husband's dead?

Mrs. Potter:

Why, yes.

Hammer:

There seems to be a trace of uncertainty in that ``yes.'' You know a yes like that was once responsible for me jumping out of a window and I'm not the jumper I used to be.
What I meant was, you are going to be here all winter and I'm stuck with the hotel anyhow---why don't you grab me until you can make other arrangements?

Mrs. Potter:

My dear Mr. Hammer, I shall never get married before my daughter.

Hammer:

You did once! Oh, but I love you, I love you. Can't you see how I am pining for you.

Mrs. Potter:

What in the world is the matter with you?

Hammer:

Oh, I'm not myself tonight. I don't know who I am. One false move and I'm yours. I love you. I love you anyhow.

Mrs. Potter:

I don't think you'd love me if I were poor.

Hammer:

I might, but I'd keep my mouth shut.

Mrs. Potter:

I'll not stay here any longer and be insulted this way!

Hammer:

No---don't go away and leave me here alone. You stay here and I'll go away.

Mrs. Potter:

I don't know what to say.

Hammer:

Oh say, that you'll be truly mine, or truly yours, or yours truly. Don't you know what I'm---

Mrs. Potter:

Will you keep your hands to yourself.

Hammer:

Come on, I'll play you one more game. Come on the three of you.
Oh, can you come down a little bit. Just think---tonight, tonight when the moon is sneaking around the clouds I'll be sneaking around you.

I'll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now---you and the moon. You wear a neck-tie so I'll know you.

Hammer is going to hold an auction at ``Cocoanut Manor'' and wants Chico to be his shill. First he has to tell him how to get there, however.

Hammer:

... Now here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

Chico:

Why a duck?

Hammer:

I'm all right. How are you? I say here is a little peninsula, and here's a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

Chico:

All right. Why a duck?

Hammer:

I'm not playing Ask-Me-Another. I say, that's a viaduct.

Chico:

All right. Why a duck? Why a--- why a duck? Why-a-no-chicken?

Hammer:

I don't know why-a-no-chicken. I'm a stranger here myself. All I know is that it's a viaduct. You try to cross over there a chicken, and you'll find out why a duck. It's deep water, that's viaduct.

Chico:

That's-why-a-duck?

Hammer:

Look ... Suppose you were out horseback riding and you came to that stream and wanted to ford over there, you couldn't make it. Too deep.

Chico:

But what do you want with a Ford when you gotta horse?

Hammer:

Well, I'm sorry the matter even came up. All I know is that it's a viaduct.

Chico:

Now look ... all righta ... I catcha on to why-a-horse, why-a-chicken, why-a-this, why-a-that. I no catch on to why-a-duck.

Hammer:

I was only fooling. I was only fooling. They're going to build a tunnel in the morning. Now, is that clear to you?

Chico:

Yes. Everything---excepta why a duck.

Hammer:

Well, that's fine. Now I can go ahead. Now, look, I'm going to take you down and show you our cemetery. I've got a waiting list of fifty people at that cemetery just dying to get in. But I like you---

Chico:

---Ah---you're-a-my friend.

Hammer:

I like you and I'm going---

Chico:

---I know you like-a...

Hammer:

To shove you in ahead of all of them. I'm going to see that you get a steady position.

Chico:

That's good.

Hammer:

And if I can arrange it, it will be horizontal.

Chico:

Yeah, I see---

Hammer:

Now remember, when the auction starts, if anybody says one hundred dollars---

Chico:

I-a say-a two hundred---

Hammer:

That's grand. Now, if somebody says two hundred---

Chico:

---I-a say three hundred!

Hammer:

That's great!

Yes. Now, you know how to get down there?

Chico:

No, I no understand.

Hammer:

Now, look. Listen. You go down there, down to that narrow path there, until you come to the---to that little jungle there. You see it? Where those thatched palms were?

Chico:

Yes, I see.

Hammer:

And then, there's a little clearing there, a little clearing with a wire fence around it. You see that wire fence there?

Chico:

All right. Why-a-fence?

Hammer:

Oh no, we're not going to go all through that again! You come along with me, and I'll fix you up!

The auction

Hammer:

Florida, folks---Sunshine---perpetual sunshine---all the year around. Let's get the auction started before we get a tornado. Right this way. Step forward. Step forward everybody. Friends, you are now in Cocoanut Manor, one of the finest cities in Florida. Of course, we still need a few finishing touches. But who doesn't? This is the heart of the residential district. Every lot is a stone's throw from the station. As soon as they throw enough stones, we're going to build a station. Eight hundred beautiful residences will be built right here. Why they are as good as up. Better. You can have any kind of a home you want to. You can even get stucco---Oh, how you can get stucco. Now is the time to buy while the new boom is on. Remember the old saying, a new boom sweeps clean? And don't forget the guarantee---my personal guarantee. If these lots don't double in value in a year, I don't know what you can do about it. Now we'll take lot #20---twentah---right at the corner of DeSota Avenue. Of course, you all know who DeSota was? He discovered a body of water. You've heard of the water they named after him. De Sota Water. Now this lot has a 20 foot frontage, a 14 foot backage and a mighty fine garage. Now then what am I offered for lot number 20. Anything at all. Anything at all, to start it.

Chico:

Two hundred dollars.

Hammer:

Ah---a gentleman bids two hundred dollard. Who'll bid three?

Chico:

Three hundred dollars.

Hammer:

Ha! Ha! Another gentleman says three hundred dollars. Do I hear four?

Chico:

Four hundred dollars.

Hammer:

Well, the auction is practically over. Yes, it's all over but the shooting. I'll attend to that later.

Chico:

Five hundred dollars.

Hammer:

Do I hear six hundred?

Chico:

Six hundred-dollah.

Hammer:

Sold for six hundred dollars. Wrap up that lot and put some poison ivy on it.

Well, I came out even on that one. That was a great success. Yeah, one more success like that and I'll sell my body to a medical institute. Now, we'll take lot #21.

There it is. There is is, over there, right where that cocoanut tree is. Now what am I offered for lot #21?

Chico:

Two hundred dollars.

Hammer:

Why, my friend, there's more than two hundred dollars worth of milk in those cocoanuts---and WHAT milk, milk from contented cow-co-nuts. Who will say 300?

Chico:

Four hundred dollars. Five hundred dollars. Six hundred---seven hundred---eight hundred. What th' heck do I care?

Hammer:

What the heck do you care? But how about me? Sold to what the heck for eight hundred dollars. I hope all your teeth have cavities and don't forget abscess makes the heart grow fonder.

When he said via-duck, I should have smelt a rat. I did, but I didn't know who it was.

Now we will take lot number twenty-two. What am I offered for lot #22?

Man:

One hundred dollars.

Chico:

Two hundred dollars.

Hammer:

Sold for one hundred dollars!

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

Monkey Business

Groucho:

Ta-ra-ta-da-da- etc. Madam, you're making history. In fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

Lucille:

Oh, you know what I want. I want life, I want laughter, I want gaiety. I want to ha-cha-cha-cha.

Groucho:

Madam, before I get through with you, you will have a clear case for divorce, and so will my wife. Now, the first thing to do is to arrange for a settlement. You take the children, your husband takes the house, Junior burns down the house, you take the insurance, and I take you.

Lucille:

But I haven't any children.

Groucho:

That's just the trouble with this country. You haven't any children, and as for me, I'm going back in the closet where men are empty overcoats.

... Groucho courts Lucille on the veranda...

Groucho:

Me-e-e-ow!

Lucille:

What brought you here?

Groucho:

Ah, 'tis midsummer madness, the music is my temples, the hot blood of youth! Come, Kapellmeister, let the violas throb. My regiment leaves at dawn!

... Aw, I guess my regiment can go without me! ...

Lucille:

Oh, no, no, no, don't. My husband might be inside, and if he finds me out here he'll wallop me.

Groucho:

Always thinking of your husband. Couldn't I wallop you just as well?

Lucille:

Oh, I heard Alky talking about this party.

Groucho:

Oh, I've dreamed of a night like this, I tell you. Now, you tell me about some of your dreams.

Lucielle:

Dreams! Ha! I can't even sleep anymore wondering who he's chasing around with.

Groucho:

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean, flee to my lodge in the hills.

Lucille:

Oh, no, I couldn't think of it.

Groucho:

Don't be afraid. You can join this lodge for a few pennies, and you won't even have to take a physical examination, unless you insist on one.

Lucille:

What a swell home I've got. Why, I think I'd almost marry you to spite that double-crossing crook.

Groucho:

Mrs. Briggs, I've known and respected your husband, Alky, for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me.

Lucille:

Ugh!

(later, Groucho and Lucille overhear a conversation)

Man:

Oh, Emily!

Woman:

Oh, Henry, be careful. Somebody may see us.

Man:

Oh, I've been careful too long.

Groucho:

Well, now that you've brought that up, just how long have you been careful?

Woman:

Oh, they saw us!

Man:

Now be calm, Emily. I'll talk to them. You won't say anything about this, will you?

Groucho:

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much?

Woman:

Oh, but don't you understand. You see, I'm not happy with my husband. He should have married some little housewife.

Groucho:

Madam, I resent that. Some of my best friends are housewifes.

Lucille:

Ahem!

Man:

Now, see here, if you're going to talk like that---

Groucho:

Listen here. You're living in a fool's paradise. You intend to spend ten dollars to buy this woman a ring? Look at this. It's solid brass and a buck and a half takes it away. What do you say? I know it'll fit her. I got it from the nose of a savage.

Man:

Wh---!

Groucho:

Well? A buck and a half.

Woman:

Oh!

Groucho:

You can have it for a dollar. Fifty cents and not a nickel under...

Groucho:

No, you're wrong, girls. In the first place, Gary Cooper is much taller than I am.

Horsefeathers

Wagstaff (Groucho):

Baravelli, you've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. ... Now, I want you to sign this agreement.

Baravelli:

Hey, there's nothing on this paper.

Wagstaff:

That's all right. We'll fill in something later. Here, put your name on there, eh?

Wagstaff and Connie

Wagstaff:

Are you Miss Bailey? Come, come, one of us is Miss Bailey and I'm not.

Connie:

I'm Miss Bailey, and who are you?

Wagstaff:

I'm Professor Wagstaff. Who are you?

Connie:

Miss Bailey.

Wagstaff:

Ah, then you are Miss Bailey. Thought you could slip one over on me, didn't you? Listen, madame, you've gotta give my son up.

Connie:

Give him up?

Wagstaff:

You can't take him from me. He's all I've got in the world except a picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware.

Connie:

But, Professor, I---

Wagstaff:

Whatever you say is a lie. He's only a shell of his former self, which nobody can deny. Whoopee!

Connie:

Oh!

Wagstaff:

I tell you, you're ruining that boy. You're ruining him. Why can't you do as much for me?

Did my son tell you you had beautiful eyes?

Connie:

Why, yes.

Wagstaff:

He told me that too. He tells that to everyone he meets.

Oh, I love sitting on your lap. I could sit here all day if you didn't stand up.

Wagstaff and Baravelli

Wagstaff:

Oh, you have got a chauffeur?

Baravelli:

Yeah.

Wagstaff:

What kind of car have you got?

Baravelli:

I no gotta car. I just gotta chauffeur.

Wagstaff:

Well, maybe I'm crazy, but when you have a chauffeur, aren't you supposed to have a car?

Baravelli:

Well, I had one, but you see, it cost too much money to keep a car and a chauffeur, so I sold the car.

Wagstaff:

Well, that shows you how little I know. I would have kept the car and sold the chauffeur.

Baravelli:

That'sa no good. I gotta have chauffeur to take me to work in the morning.

Wagstaff:

Well, if you've got no car, how can he take you to work?

Baravelli:

He don't have to take me to work. I no gotta job.

Wagstaff:

Baravelli, this is the finish. How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

Duck Soup

Rufus T. Firefly (President of Fredonia) (Groucho):

Not that I care, but where is your husband?

Mrs. T:

Why, he's dead.

Firefly:

I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

Mrs. T:

I was with him till the very end.

Firefly:

Huh! No wonder he passed away.

Mrs. T:

I held him in my arms and kissed him.

Firefly:

Oh, I see. Then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.

Mrs. T:

He left me his entire fortune.

Firefly:

Is that so?

Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you.

Mrs. T:

Oh, your Excellency!

Firefly:

You're not so bad yourself.

Mrs. T:

Oh, I want to present to you Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania. Having him with us is indeed a great pleasure.

Trentino:

Thank you, but I can't stay very long.

Firefly:

That's even a greater pleasure. ...

... there's one man too many in this room and I think it's you.

Yet another love scene

Groucho:

I could dance with you till the cows come home...

On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.

Firefly (Groucho) and Chicolini (Chico), Chico is selling peanuts

Chicolini:

Peanuts:

Firefly:

Hey! Do you want to be a public nuisance?

Chicolini:

Sure. How much does the job pay?

Firefly:

I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Chicolini:

Peanuts to you!

Firefly:

Have you got a license?

Chicolini:

No, but my dog---he'sa got millions of 'em. Believe me, he's some smart dog. You know, he went with Admiral Byrd to the pole?

Firefly:

I'll bet the dog got to the pole first.

Chicolini:

You win!

Firefly:

Come on up here. I want to scare the Cabinet.

Chicolini:

In the president's room, answering the phone
Hello! No. No. No, he's not in. All right, I'll tell him. Goodbye ... That was for you.

Firefly:

I'm sorry I'm not in. I wanted to have a long talk with you. Now, listen here. You give up that silly peanut stand and I'll get you a soft government job. Now, let's see, what have I got in my Cabinet besides mice? How would you like a job in the mint?

Chicolini:

Mint? No, no, I no like-a mint. Uh---what other flavour you got? ...

Firefly:

Now, listen here. I've got a swell job for you, but first I'll have to ask you a couple of ... important questions. Now, what is it that has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but it pours?

Chicolini:

'At'sa good one. I give you three guesses.

Firefly:

Now, lemme see. Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia. Is it male or female?

Chicolini:

No, I no think so.

Firefly:

Is he dead?

Chicolini:

Who?

Firefly:

I don't know. I give up.

Chicolini:

I give up, too. Now I ask you another one. What is it got a big black moustache, smokes a big cigar and is a big pain in the neck.

Firefly:

Now, don't tell me. Has a big black moustache, smokes a big black cigar and is a big pain in the---

Chicolini:

Uh---

Firefly (Groucho):

Does he wear glasses?

Chicolini:

'At'sa right. You guess it quick.

Firefly:

Just for that you don't get the job I was going to give you.

Chicolini:

What job?

Firefly:

Secretary of War.

Chicolini:

All right, I take it.

Firefly:

Sold!

A Night at the Opera

Driftwood (Groucho) enters Mrs. Claypool's stateroom on board the ship from Europe to New York

Driftwood:

Ah, Hello, Toots.

Mrs. Claypool:

Hello.

Driftwood:

Say, pretty classy layout you have here.

Mrs. Claypool:

Do you like it?

Driftwood:

Ah, twin beds. You little rascal, you!

Mrs. Claypool:

One of those is a day bed.

Driftwood:

A likely story. Have you read any good books lately?

Mrs. Claypool:

Mr. Driftwood ... would you please get off the bed? What would people say?

Driftwood:

They'd probably say you're a very lucky woman. Now will you please shut up so I can continue my reading?

Mrs. Claypool:

No. I will not shut up. And will you kindly get up at once?

Driftwood:

All right, I'll go. I'll make you another proposition. Let's go in my room and talk the situation over.

Mrs. Claypool:

What situation?

Driftwood:

Well---uh---what situations have you got?

Mrs. Claypool:

I will most certainly not go to your room.

Driftwood:

Okay, then I'll stay here!

Mrs. Claypool:

All right. All right. I'll come, but get out.

Driftwood:

Shall we say---uh---ten minutes?

Mrs. Claypool:

Yes, ten minutes---anything---but go!

Driftwood:

Because if you're not there in ten minutes, I'll be back here in eleven---with squeaky shoes on.

A Day at the Races

Whitmore is questioning Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho) (who is really a vet) on his medical ability, trying to find out whether he is qualified to lead Mrs. Upjohn's Sanitarium

Whitmore:

Tell me, Dr. Hackenbush, just what was your medical background?

Hackenbush:

Medically?

Whitmore:

Yes.

Hackenbush:

Well, uh, at the age of fifteen I got a job in a drugstore filling prescriptions.

Whitmore:

Don't you have to be twenty-one to fill prescriptions?

Hackenbush:

Well, ah, that's for grown ups. I just filled them for children.

Whitmore:

No, no, Doctor. I meant where did you get your training as a physician?

Hackenbush:

Oh, well to begin with I took four years at Vassar.

Mrs. Upjohn:

Vassar? But that's a girls' college.

Hackenbush:

I found that out the third year. I'd've been there yet but I went out for the swimming team.

Whitmore:

The Docotor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences.

Hackenbush:

Well, medically, my experiences have been most unexciting except during the flu epidemic.

Whitmore:

Ah, and what happened?

Hackenbush:

I got the flu.

Mrs. Upjohn:

Oh, doctor, I think it's time for my pill.

Hackenbush:

Ixnay on the opeday.

Mrs. Upjohn:

Now you told me to take them regularly.

Whitmore:

Just a minute, Mrs. Upjohn, that looks like a horsepill to me.

Hackenbush:

Oh, you've taken them before?

Mrs. Upjohn:

Are you sure, Doctor, you haven't made a mistake?

Hackenbush:

You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby.

Whitmore:

Uh, may I examine this, please?
Do you actually give those to your patients? Isn't that awfully large for a pill?

Hackenbush:

No. It was too small for a basketball and I didn't know what to do with it. Say, you're awfully large for a pill yourself.

Whitmore:

Dr. Wilmerding, just what is your opinion?

Wilmerding:

It must take a lot of water to swallow that.

Hackenbush:

Nonsense, you can swallow that with five gallons.

Whitmore:

Isn't that a lot of water for a patient to take?

Hackenbush:

Not if the patient has a bridge in her mouth. You see the water flows under the bridge and the patient walks over the bridge and meets the pill on the other side.

Go West

One more love scene

Quale (Groucho)

Say, all the beautiful stems in here are not on the wine glasses. Lulubelle, it's you! I didn't recognize you standing up.
... Why don't you let me go? Let's keep this a perfect memory, and someday the bitter ache shall pass, my sweet. Time wounds all heals. You know, there's a drunk sitting at the first table who looks exactly like you---and one who looks exactly like me. Dull, isn't it? He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth, he'd burn for three days. ...

Let's go somewhere where we can be alone.
Ah, there doesn't seem to be anyone on this couch.

The Big Store

A final love scene

Wolf (Groucho):

Oh, hop in here. There's a few things I'd like to discuss with you. What I am about to say is intended for your ears alone.

Martha:

Oh, Wolf!

Wolf:

Martha, dear, there are many bonds that will hold us together through eternity.

Martha:

Really, Wolf? What are they?

Wolf:

Your Government Bonds, your Savings Bonds, your Liberty Bonds---and maybe in a year or two after we're married---

Martha:

Yes?

Wolf:

Who knows? There may be a little baby bond.

Martha:

Oh, it all seems so wonderful! Tell me, Wolfie, dear, will we have a beautiful home?

Wolf:

Of course. You're not planning on moving, are you?

Martha:

No. But I'm afraid after we're married a while, a beautiful young girl will come along and---you'll forget all about me.

Wolf:

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.

---

Sorry for the typos. Just report them to me (email) and I'll take care of them.